Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

some thoughts on the meaning of being unequally yoked
Monday, August 15, 2016 - Posted by melyssa - 0 lovely comments
i have a confession to make. over the past two months, i have been disobedient to God and dishonest with myself. in the midst of extreme loneliness, i chose to entertain a friendship with someone who was, not only unequally yoked with me, but we weren't even on the same plow. 

let me back up. 

at the beginning of this year, while many of us were all making new year's resolutions, i was making an ultimate turnaround-life plan for myself. i accepted the one-year guarantee at my church. (the guarantee: come, commit, contribute, and connect for one year and God will radically change your life.) i started (and am still in the midst) the one-year bible reading plan. i aspired to grow closer to God with each passing day. it was (and still is) a solid plan with good intentions. 

but i am human. and plan as i might, my human nature caused me to fail. i have been single for nearly a decade now, and i so badly want to be in a committed relationship (which is probably why i don't need to be in one at this moment, but i digress). so, i entertained a relationship with a nice, courteous man who is not a godly man. he is a considerate person who called when he said he would and remembered things we'd previously discussed. he opened doors. he asked how my day went. and even "supported my beliefs and church attendance." but what i learned was this is not what a christian relationship looks like. it has some of the same traits, and i think that's what got me off track. 

while i very much want to be in a relationship, i now know i need a Christ-centered relationship. i need a man who will not only be nice and considerate but love me as Christ loves the church. a man who loves me in this manner will not only do nice things and remember anecdotes, but he will respect me. he will protect me. he will have no issues providing for me (note: when i say provide, the emphasis is not on finances, but it has more to do with providing care and concern in the areas where i am deficient.) and he will have no problem professing his love for the Lord and for me. to do these things he needs to be in church and he needs to know Christ or at the very least have a desire to do both. otherwise, he's going to come up empty for me every single time. and i am going to feel angst every single time. i need someone who will not only support my beliefs but also have faith in those things that are not seen ... with me. i need someone who will not only tell me to have a blessed time at church, but to come to church .... with me and engage in the service and fellowship ... with me. i need someone who will not hope for the best for me and our relationship, but pray and seek the Lord ... with me ... daily. 

do i think that people who are un-churched or non-believers are bad people? no. it is my belief that being bad or good will not keep you out of or get you into heaven. however, everyone who is in any type of relationship (romantic, platonic, familial) has certain needs that must be met. and i know better know what i need. so, i got off track, but praise God i wasn't derailed. and as a result, i know more about myself and my needs. i need a companion, a confidant, a Christ-driven and Christ-led mate. this is a comprehensive list. and i don't think the list is overwhelming. i'm praying (and have faith) that God will meet those needs in a mate for me. it just may not been on the timeline i had planned for myself. and His timing is always so much better, anyway. 

in the meanwhile, i will continue to pray for those who are un-saved and non-believing, hoping that one day they come to know the good, good father i know. If they could just taste and see...







checking out
Monday, November 09, 2015 - Posted by melyssa - 0 lovely comments
i am an introvert. i think before i speak, often overanalyzing myself. a great majority of my thoughts are never spoken. i am quiet. i am reserved. i pretend ... a lot.

i prepare myself for social gatherings by having imagined interactions. it takes every ounce of energy to be social with people ... to smile ... to laugh ... to engage - even with family members. with strangers, the struggle is 10-fold. i push myself outside of my comfort zone to appear friendly, outgoing, social. but when i go home, that's how i re-charge. an author put it so beautifully,

and there were other moments when she would catch herself thinking about her life as if it was a party she couldn't wait to leave. if she lived to say 80, then she was nearly halfway there. death was the hot bath you promised yourself while you endured small talk and uncomfortable shoes. you could stop pretending to have a good time when you were dead. (liane moriarty)

that is often my life, just getting through one social interaction to the next until i can go home. so, what i experienced sunday has taken a lot out of me, i am not exaggerating when i say i am beatdown, emotionally beat-down. a seemingly pleasant experience to a "normal" person whips me, so an unpleasant experience; it nearly kills me. i certainly feel, at times, like i'd rather be dead. this is my struggle. this is my life. it's what i push through day-by-day. and to be attacked, especially after reading book about someone's life who is quite similar, it's almost too much to bear.

it's a shame people can't be more empathetic. you never know what someone is going through ... so, think twice and be kind. i am checking out of social media until i re-charge. see you soon.  


people will disappoint ...

Monday, December 01, 2014 - Posted by melyssa - 0 lovely comments
Image Credit: Ambro
years ago i was given this gem of insight. time after time, people will disappoint you. ironically, it was given by the person who dealt the ultimate disappointment in my life, but it was good insight nonetheless.

people will disappoint.

they won't show up.

they will lie (blatantly and by omission).

they will pretend.

and it can be overwhelming for all parties involved. people will disappoint. this i have learned all too well (especially as of late), but i keep pushing forward. why?

because not all disappointments come for a place of ill-intent. many times those who love us don't want to disappoint, but it happens just the same. and i've learned i must forgive those who have trespassed against me just as i pray that God forgives me for my trespasses. and i know that He is one who will never disappoint.

there is hope in the journey.


one love
Monday, August 26, 2013 - Posted by melyssa - 0 lovely comments
for the past several hours, I've watched the media, celebrities and even my friends (via social media) berate a certain young actress/musician for her "performances" at last night's mtv video music awards.

while i don't condone or promote her behavior, i am saddened by how quickly society has acted and attacked said celebrity. this societal behavior illustrates just how pervasive and systemic these type of insensitive comments have become.

we're disconnected
while we have become more and more connected with mobile devices, social media and technology overall; our connections are shallow. we've stopped having meaningful conversations. we've stopped caring. we're worse than the non-participants in the kitty genovese attack. instead of turning a blind eye and a deaf ear hoping someone else will deal with the issues, we engage in halfheartedly casting judgement from our proverbial soap boxes guised as our social media profiles.

the golden rule
what if, instead, we looked beyond the outer layer and tried to empathize? what if we sought to understand why people act such ways? what if we offered help and encouragement instead of spewing hurtful words and castigation?
image credit: rattigon
if we can so easily cast judgement and assign harsh words to celebrities, it makes it a little easier to understand why private citizens choose to attack our schools and workplaces. until we start learning how treat each other with compassion, we cannot expect to live in a compassionate society.

one love,
melyssa


getting the devil off my back
Wednesday, March 06, 2013 - Posted by melyssa - 0 lovely comments
i am a lover of music - all music. i like rap, country (yes, country), classical, hip hop, pop, rock, neo soul - all of it! i enjoy listening to music to alter my mood. when i am running (ok, jogging), a little t.i. ("bring 'em out") helps me go a long way. as i drive home from work, norah jones ("the long day is over") helps release the tension in my shoulders. when i'm focused on a writing project, i enjoy listening to gospel music - israel & new breed ("live from another level") is one of my favorites. and sometimes, when i'm at home, i listen to God's music - no tv, no ipod, no radio - just the wind rustling the leaves, the birds chirping and children playing and laughing outside. that makes me smile. please don't stop that music.

the other day i was listening to florence + the machine's "shake it out," and i got all tingly inside, you know, inspired. i was thinking of all of my regrets and how dark my life used to be. no happiness at work, at home, in life. and i just really identified with the lyrics. they spoke to me - it is hard to dance with the devil on your back. and it is always darkest before the dawn.

jacob's ladder; stairway to heaven
Image Credit: Exsodus

but somehow - heck, i know how - with God i found a way to shake him (the devil) off! as He most often does, He met me at my lowest and the most unlikely place, revealing Himself to me so that my relationship with Him became stronger (thank you). i got healthy - mentally and physically. i found joy. and now, some five years later, i've found happiness too. i have a new, awesome job where a great majority of my collegiate studies are being put into practice. i'm respected by my co-workers - peers and superiors. 

to be fair and honest, i have had jobs that i enjoyed in the past but those positions weren't the professional dream realized. additionally, it's been nearly impossible for me to be content at work and at home simultaneously. however, i have somehow found happiness in love too. or maybe it found me. i'm with someone who is committed and true to me. and that, too, is a rare find today. so, yes, it really is darkest before dawn. but if you can see ahead, just pass that curve in the road - a brighter day is coming. joy does, indeed, come in the morning.  

i don't know what i've done to enjoy all of this happiness and these blessings. i'm just a flawed and imperfect yet blessed person. but i am truly thankful. and i share my story, not to brag, but to encourage others; to encourage you. if you are in a dark place, keep fighting. keep pushing. find the strength to shake it out. a bright day is coming. life is worth living. 

what's on my ipod right now: 
"ho hey" - lumineers 
"shake your tailfeather" - nelly 
"say yeah" - wiz khalifa
"shots" - lmfao 
"all this love" - leigh jones
"lately" - anita baker
"many the miles" - sara bareilles
"take me to the king" - tamela mann
"best of me" - tyrese
"i hope you dance" - lee ann womack