isn't she lovely?

i am an introvert. i think before i speak, often overanalyzing myself. a great majority of my thoughts are never spoken. i am quiet. i am reserved. i pretend ... a lot.

image credit: imagerymajestic

i've lamented before about my dating life, or lack thereof. and as i approach full adulthood, i'm beginning to discover things about my identity of self, self-esteem, and social confidence that explain why my dating life has not been as robust as some of my peers.

as a pre-teen, showing interest in the opposite sex was frowned upon. i remembering overhearing conversations between my mother and her friends about girls who were "too fast" or "too grown" or who "got in trouble" because they started dating too early. i also recall being embarrassed if i showed any interest in boys, so i suppressed those feelings because i didn't want my mom to think i was "too fast" or "too grown," and i definitely didn't want to "get in trouble"!

before my first serious relationship, i recall my mother labeling my demeanor as "unapproachable" as the reason for my lack of suitors. today, i wonder what did that mean? what is unapproachable, and why would my mother, of all people, think was that? sadly, i only remember one time in my adult life that my mother ever told me i was beautiful. it's been about 10 years since she said that, and i don't have hopes for hearing it in the future.

don't get me wrong, my mother is not a bad person. i just don't think she's encouraged me socially, and i've accepted some of these things as my identity. and her words and actions may have contributed to my social immaturity. contrarily, my mother has always boasted about my education, intelligence, and career, which is part of the reason i've excelled in those areas.

something else i've learned (and re-learned) is that i am in control of me. i cannot control what others do and say (or don't do/say). so, i must take what i've discovered and transform myself. i am responsible for my own happiness. i am in control of who i am. having said that, i know there are daddy's girls (of which i am one) and mama's boys. but really children, minors and adult children, need encouragement and support from both parents. your children gave you part of your identity - as a parent, so, go tell your your sons and daughters they're wonderful today!

i think john mayer said it better than i can:

so fathers, be good to your daughters
daughters will love like you do
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers, be good to your daughters too

2015 has gotten off to a stellar start. i am thankful for these good things that have happened so far. 


1. a little bump in pay at work and other financial blessings
2. a unique opportunity to develop more meaningful relationships/friendships
3. a family outing to see the globetrotters and celebrating my cousin's 40th birthday

and, of course, the daily covering. i am so thankful to Him, from whom all blessings flow! 

when i was little, 14 was my favorite number. i don't know why. there's really no significance to it. my birthday is on the 7th. my 14th year of life wasn't stand out. i just have always liked the number. as i approached this year, 2014, i really didn't have outrageous expectations - health and happiness, i guess. but i guess in the back of my mind, i hoped it would be a stellar year since it was 20-fourteen.

i've always enjoyed music. as i approached my 30s, i really expanded my tastes. this year, i discovered spotify, and some songs bookmarked this year.

image credit: wikipedia.org

problem (ariana grande) - at the beginning of the year, i decided it was ok for a person of my age to like the disney star. my 8-year old niece likes her too. i don't know if it's because they share the same name or her music is that good. but this song really spoke to me as i officially got over a toxic 2013 relationship. yes, i had about four less problems as a result. and it was already getting better.

image credit: paramore.net

ain't it fun (paramore) - this song reminds me of road-trippin' with my sis. we took a family vacay to south texas, and this became our theme song that memorial day weekend... and every time we got in the car together thereafter ...

image credit: ingridmichaelson.com

girls chase boys (ingrid michaelson) - on that same road trip, we stopped at a boardwalk carnival. while there my mom briefly lost then found her phone. we road some rides and ate some treats. during those very happy moments ingrid's song was blasting over the loud speakers, we were all so happy. the found phone, the fun trip, just great family time. the calm before the storm.







then, for a few months, it got quiet for me. my aunt died. my grandmothers became ill. and people who i thought were my closest friends (and family members too) failed to show up when they were needed. it was a dark and disappointing time. while the music continued for others, it was eerily quiet for me.

i found the music again later in the year, and an old song was made new again.

image credit: jasonmraz.com

lucky (spotify session version by jason mraz and raining jane) - the grandmas got well. the intense mourning for my aunt lessened, and things seemed to be getting better. i got a professional boost by attending a conference in austin. we celebrated halloween. it was a fun time. i felt ... lucky.

then in november, our beloved family pet of 18.5 years, sande, died. she lived a long, full life. but it still hurt, in some ways more than the loss of my aunt. not surprisingly, the silence resumed. but, i pushed through thanksgiving.

in december, i decided to choose happiness and to uncover joy. i made a decision to focus on the positive. as such, at the beginning of 2015, i will use this blog to publish messages of joy, hope and love. because i decided i'm going to be ok like chrisette michele said, "i'mma drive my lexus to the mall; get a little black dress just because" and then i'm going to put my little black dress on (sara bareilles), and "put on my favorite song, tell myself there's nothing wrong. this does not have to be a sad song." and it's not a sad song. i'm going to be happy because i believe i can choose happiness. this doesn't mean there are no dark days. it means that i realize there must be dark to recognize light. the show must go on. and that's just what happens. life goes on. and so will i.

so, here's to 2015! i'm hopeful that it will bring more smiles and laughter than tears and jeers. and maybe 15 will be my new favorite number. or maybe numbers won't matter anymore. life is really about the quality not the quanity. and please, please don't stop the music!

you know that feeling when you leave the movie theater in the middle of a sunny afternoon? your eyes are oversensitive to the bright light after spending a couple of hours in the dark, cozy theater.

image credit: nattavut

that's kind of how i felt when i was first exposed to prejudice and racism. for the first 14 years of my life i was an army brat. home was where the army sent us - my parents, sister and i made friends wherever home was. race didn't seem to be a primary issue because everyone was green. that's not to say that race was obsolete. (in fact, in the army-issued dictionary my dad had, the entry for nigger defined a black person of african descent.) however, race was not as big of a deal because we were all just people being moved around so our dads (and/or moms) could serve a country that not always viewed people as equals.

fast-forward to about the time i was 16 or 17 and driving my first car. i was in the parking lot of a shopping center in arlington, texas and no doubt made a typical driving error for a new driver. i didn't hit anyone or any property. but i had to quickly adjust for the mistake i made which, understandably, irritated the older, white man in a nearby pick-up truck. before i could even attempt to apologize he rolled down his window and informed me that i was a nigger bitch who needed to learn how to drive.

and that was my introduction to racism.

about that same time, my kid sister was in the fourth or fifth grade. she was having a little difficulty making new friends in the "civilian world." one of her classmates told her she'd have better luck - if she were only the right color. and that was her introduction.

sigh. welcome to the real world. the sun is blinding.

so, my exposure was delayed. but when i finally met racism and prejudice, i kind of got over exposed because i'd been in the dark for so long. i'm thankful for my time as a naive child. but now that i know what the real world is really like, i hope to be part of the change i seek. and this is why i share stories about race - those of others and those that are personal. because knowledge and perspective is power. if we can just put ourselves in the other person's shoes, the world might, indeed, be a better place for us all to live.

be empathetic,
melyssa
the girl with the sunglasses and still standing in the light

i am a lover of music - all music. i like rap, country (yes, country), classical, hip hop, pop, rock, neo soul - all of it! i enjoy listening to music to alter my mood. when i am running (ok, jogging), a little t.i. ("bring 'em out") helps me go a long way. as i drive home from work, norah jones ("the long day is over") helps release the tension in my shoulders. when i'm focused on a writing project, i enjoy listening to gospel music - israel & new breed ("live from another level") is one of my favorites. and sometimes, when i'm at home, i listen to God's music - no tv, no ipod, no radio - just the wind rustling the leaves, the birds chirping and children playing and laughing outside. that makes me smile. please don't stop that music.

Image credit: koratmember

i'm the first to admit, i have had a tumultuous love life. marked by varying highs and lows, my roller coaster romances have ranged from finding "the one" to compromising my standards to getting dumped. for the most part, i've tried to keep a positive outlook about it. i won't lie, i've had my low moments. i've had ally mcbeal visions of running some of those uncommitted partners over with my car. (my psa - it's not nice or christianly to run anyone over with a car.)

i used to make illogical correlations and label them as "signs" that the current relationship prospect was my first last. because i am no stranger to hard work in my school and professional careers, i'd apply the same work ethic to my romantic relationships. i'd work hard to compromise my personality and my habits to fit in with the guy's needs. i'd work doubly hard to try and communicate, often over communicating. i'd work three times as hard to ensure that the guy was happy. when the truth is a person cannot make another person happy. they must be independently happy. and love does not equal work. love is not work at all.

in november, i reconnected with, as 'they' say, an old flame. one of those previously mentioned "bad guys." time really does heal wounds, people can change and life experiences give us all perspective. when you are with the right person, the relationship is not hard. you don't have to compromise who you are. you are just you and he is just him. i believe that is the essence of a soul mate. and i am more sure than ever that i have finally found mine. i look forward to the love that's budded blossoming into something beautiful for months, years and decades to come. but for now, i am enjoying this moment and it is good.

as with most years, 2012 brought some ups and downs, smiles and frowns and most importantly lessons learned. this is my synopsis.

1. some friends are in my life for a season, but some friends were never my friends to begin with. friends are supposed to see who you are and love you anyway. for years i had a person in my life who pretended to accept me for who i am then bad mouth me behind my back. it is sad, but i embrace the experience as a life lesson learned.
(lesson: people can be mean.)

2. 80% of success is showing up. and sometimes showing up requires a little perseverance. in 2011 and for a great part of 2012, i spent a considerable amount of time working on my professional certification. after much blood, sweat and tears, i more than earned it. because of that hard work, i earned a very high accolade within my field. it was a monumental accomplishment that was very well deserved and i'm most thankful.
(lesson: never give up on your dreams. God rewards you doubly for your efforts.)

3. sometimes home is where the heart is. in the fall, i got extremely excited about the possibility of heading east. i thought this move would help my career, familial relationships and my stagnant love life. then God showed me that i was to stay put and that some things are better the second time around.
(lesson: sometimes love lost isn't really lost at all.)

so, i guess this year i learned that some people are mean, i have to continually work hard and love can be difficult to find. however, i also learned that some people are wonderfully supportive and consistently genuine, working hard allows me to play hard and love can be right under your nose if you just open your eyes and your heart. i'm truly blessed, wonderfully made and looking forward to 2013. it's sure to be the best one yet!

image credit: frameangel

Image credit: David Castillo Dominici

truth be told, i am a daddy's girl, and in a society where there are millions of absent fathers, i am proud and thankful to be a daddy's girl. my dad has been there from day 1. he has been a great, comprehensive provider. as i have grown and matured i am able to turn to him for advice in my career, finances, and sometimes, even ask for advice in my dysfunctional love life.

realizing all of this and how truly blessed i am to have my father as a mentor and caregiver in my life, i don't know why some men (read: boys) i encounter think they can treat and speak to me any 'ole way. it always amuses me a little, and i proudly boast - you will not speak to me in that tone, manner, etc. because my father doesn't even speak to me that way.

now don't get me wrong. i understand all relationships have a healthy amount of conflict, and i'll never meet anyone who i never argue with (honestly, i'd be a little afraid of meeting someone who agreed with me on everything.). but the conflict has got to be healthy. and condescendingly exhaling and telling me what you're tired of and what you're not going to stand from me is not acceptable. you haven't invested nearly as much time, emotion or money in me as my father has over my 30+ years. and even he doesn't treat me that way.

so, it's really best for you, me and society as a whole that we go our separate ways. it stings a little now. but in a few weeks, you'll simply be somebody i used to know.

Image credit: Stuart Miles

several months ago i reflected on my life and what direction i'd like it to go for 2012. i'm a bit disappointed to report i haven't done so well in keeping my life changers in place. after some self reflection over the past month, i've decided i need to re-focus and get back to task.

i'm learning that i never actually stop learning. when i finished college, the first time, i thought i was done. then, i went back for grad school. that nearly killed me. and i was sure i was done. then, i joined a professional organization and got certified (or certifiable - i'm not sure which. it changes daily.) in my field. all the while i was learning, i was also getting educated - about who i was at the time. and i say was because the definition of me keeps changing. change is truly the only constant. but this one thing i know for sure - everyone is going to take issue with something about me. you really can't please all the people all the time. so i've decided to get comfortable with who i am and just please me. take me or leave me. and if you don't like me, save us both some time - and just leave.

Photo courtesy of:  thepathtraveler

i've been single for quite some time now. and while i feel completely whole and validated in my singlehood, i realized the other day that i wouldn't mind having someone to share my innermost thoughts with. i know, i know, that is what God is for. but is it wrong to, at times, long for a life partner? i don't think so.

so, the other day i was driving and listening to one of my favorite albums on my ipod when i heard these words. i mean really heard and received them.

you have to believe like abraham believed when God said to him, "your wife next year, this time, is going to have a child." and then the Lord says these words to abraham, not as a question, but as a statement of fact, "is there anything too hard for God?"

i have had this album for a while, but i finally listened to the words. and i realized. i have not because i ask not (james 4:3). if God can cure illnesses, feed the poor and heal broken relationships; He can certainly find a life partner for me.

in the past i've gotten so caught up in praying for my loved ones and this crazy country i live in that i've forgotten to pray for myself. i've decided to be more focused and diligent in my prayers, not only for a life partner, but in all things. i hope you'll join me - to whomever or whatever you pray - just pray. i'll let you know how it goes for me (and would love to know how it goes for you), but i have no doubt we'll be successful because prayer does work!

Photo by: fotographic1980

i will admit i have never seen the movie, "jerry maguire." to be honest, i am not a movie buff. there are classics that i have never taken the time to watch. i'd just rather curl up with a good book. but i digress.

so, i've never seen the movie, but i have heard the infamous line in context, "you complete me." and i despise it. i don't proclaim to be a relationship expert; although i've had a lot of experience in that arena. my personal belief is that a person should be complete on their own. each person should be whole. if that person chooses to be in a relationship, the partner should supplement, not complement, the other. you shouldn't need certain things from a partner to validate your being.

i'll admit. i used to be this way. i felt that i needed someone to make me happy, to make me laugh, to help make my life great. after some failed relationships and soul searching, i realized i am completely capable of creating my own happiness by finding joy in the lord. i can find laughter in the good and not so good things in life. my life is great. the things i consider failures are just that - things. i am whole; i am woman, hear me roar - the whole bit!

so, if you need someone to complete your circle by making you laugh, being submissive or catering to your every need, maybe you should re-evaluate your life focus. while i wish you the best of luck with that, i tihnk you'd be better advised to make your own life beautiful before engaging in a relationship and placing that responsibility (read: burden) on someone else.

Image: markuso

a few years ago i read a book by liz tuccillo titled, how to be single. in it, the author laments about the over-asked question, "why are you single?" she goes on to explain that being single should be embraced. she posits that the question should really be: how are you single? then she goes on to share experiences about singlehood.

as a single american woman, i couldn't agree and empathize with liz more.

not everyone lives the traditional life, college - marriage - white picket fence - 2.5 perfect, soccer-playing children. some of us start later in life. some never get married, never have children. some people try to fit society's mold and learn it doesn't work for them.

this doesn't mean we are bad, weird or ... and friends of mine, please read this carefully ... need pity. just because a person is not coupled up with someone does not mean his or her life is sad or incomplete.

on the contrary what makes me whole is my relationship with God and the people in my life who love me unconditionally. i like being me. i like my life. i enjoy being single. i like coming home and just having popcorn for dinner. or watching a marathon of america's top model. for me, being single isn't something to bemoan. it's something to celebrate. because for everything there is a season.

now is being single all roses all the time? no. do i get lonely sometimes? yes. but i bet my coupled up friends could answer the same ... if they're honest. so, please please stop with the puppy dog eyes and the brooding for poor, single melyssa.

like everything else in my life, i'm embracing it and living my life to the fullest. this may not be the life i planned, but it was the one i was given by the God i serve. and i am most thankful.

Image Credit: Rizzuti

i will be the first to admit i am not perfect. while i try to live an honorable life - doing what is right, serving as a role model. there are times when i do falter.

i kind of checked out of life the past few days. why? because sometimes i am my own worst enemy. what have i been doing? attending a pity party. every year as my birthday approaches i begin to think about what i have not accomplished in my life. even though i've vowed to live a life with little-to-no goals, i still fall into the old pattern of checking things off my proverbial list and becoming discouraged when i don't count enough check marks. i am still unmarried. i am still childless. i still don't make six figures.

but that's really focusing on the negative, and it's not productive. there are a lot of things i have accomplished in my short life. i survived the ultimate dumping, and became a stronger woman for it. i've been an influence in the lives of many growing children and young adults. i have a stable job that provides all my needs and a lot of my wants. and i live in a country that allows me to freely worship my lord and savior. my life isn't bad. actually it's quite good. it is my party, and i can cry if want to. but i won't. instead i'm going to be thankful for the many blessings in my life.

and how does that saying go? today is a gift; that's why they call it the present.

updated my diggs! how ya like? :-) new post to come soon.

Image credit: digitalart

earlier this year i began dating someone who was a seemingly nice guy. we got along. we did fun things together. there was an element of romance. in late march he supposedly went on a cruise with his 12-year old son. throughout the entire trip he whispered sweet nothings to me via text message and telephone. then, he got back into town and within a matter of hours he decided to end the relationship without telling me. for days i worried that something horrible had happened to him to later learn that he just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

those who are close to me know that i have not been lucky in love my entire dating life. having dysfunctional, abnormal relationships have become the norm for me. but this one tops the cake. i don't know what happened or what went wrong because mr. wrong had no more to say for himself other than he wanted to end the relationship. am i sad? yes. am i confused? heck yes. am i disappointed? yes. have i sworn off men for life? no. he is a poor, misguided soul and i pray that he learns the error of his ways before hurting someone else.

i'm pretty much taking this all in stride because of the wonderful support and prayers of family and friends. (you know who you are, thank you!) plus, i've had some practice with situations like this. i am a little bruised, but not broken. i am moving on because the show goes on.

and if anyone sees mr. wrong around town, please tell him he might have temporarily put a damper on my happiness, but he didn't steal my joy. it wasn't his to give in the first place.

back in 2004 i posted 50 things about myself. then, i updated it in 2007. and again in 2008. life is constant change, so here goes my 2012 grant.

1. i'm still a christian; now i'm focused on a deeper growth in Christ

2. i'm 32, but i think i could pass for 26 ;-)

3. i'm african-american

4. i enjoy writing again

5. i help market and promote a garden center for a living

6. after months of hard work, i am finally an accredited business communicator (abc)

7. i'm content with a life that is not based on goals

8. i have only one sibling - a younger sister

9. i have only one niece - and she spells her name with a y too

10. my grandfather knew little richard before he was little richard

11. i've lived in germany on two separate occasions

12. i've visited the leaning tower of pisa

13. i've visited euro disney

14. i've visited disney world three times

15. i have been on a roller coaster once, and i think i waited too late in life to try it

16. i have arthritis

17. i wear contacts

18. i've never worn braces

19. i have tmj that was triggered by a chiropractor's visit

20. i don't believe in chiropractors

21. i've overcome the fear of desertion and enjoy quiet times with my own thoughts

22. the only times i've been to las vegas are for work-related events

23. i wear a little more make-up now; i need the enhancement

24. i really enjoy cooking with organic herbs and spices

25. i like to write and edit resumes ... the side gig is good - all referral based

26. i like to sing out loud now - as you get older you start to care less about what people think

27. i have a pomeranian; although she's showing a lot more gray now

28. i recently learned that books on an ereader are pretty cool

29. i believe most people are prejudiced (not racist)

30. according to myers-briggs, i am an ENFJ

31. i buy out of necessity rather than desire

32. i love salsa, mushrooms and spinach (sometimes individually and sometimes wrapped up in a tortilla together)

33. i love ice cream

34. my favorite color is pink

35. i'm not crafty

36. but i am creative

37. my high school and college are less than 5 miles apart from one another

38. i make my check marks backwards

39. i tend to overanalyze things

40. i like dramas, comedies and love stories

41. i like to play card games

42. my all-time favorite movie is the green mile with michael clark duncan and tom hanks

43. i believe communication solves most problems

44. i tend to over communicate

45. during birth i caused my mother's leg to become paralyzed temporarily

46. in elementary school, my teachers wanted me to skip a grade, but my mom refused to allow it

47. i have a master's degree

48. i love the warm weather, which is why i live in texas

49. i've learned that people always disappoint, but God is forever constant

50. my new life motto is: make no plans

nearly five years ago, a major event occurred in my life, those who are close to me know what event i'm referring to, after which i threw myself into my career. i joined professional associations. i took continuing education courses, viewed webinars and networked like crazy. i was busy. and i was crazy. and then i realized - what i do for work is not who i am.

Image: scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

the company i currently work for falls under the horticulture industry. in addition to selling gardening products, we educate the public on gardening efforts. one tip we share in texas this time of year is that it's best to plant trees in the fall and winter season so the roots have a chance to take hold during a period of dormancy when the ground is not as warm (although 2012 is shaping up to be an anomaly with respect to the "winter" temperatures).

five years ago, i was growing like rapid fire. i was warm, heck, i was hot. my goal was to be the go-to pr girl in dfw. and  then i just decided to stop. i wasn't happy. i was busily filling my days with things that didn't result in internal joy. i refocused on what was really important - developing meaningful relationships with other people and God. so, i slowed down. i went dormant. i cooled off. this was essential so my roots could take hold and i could grow in Christ. this is still a work in progress for me.

it's not that i don't find value in professional associations, education, networking and the like. it's just not as important for me anymore. i don't have to be melyssa aka the go-to pr girl. i am just fine being melyssa, the daughter; melyssa, the sister; melyssa, the aunt; and melyssa, the friend.

to be honest, i like her a lot better than melyssa, the pr professional.