i was packing up some things today in preparation for the big move to our new house in september when i ran across an old journal and some old high school paraphernalia. of course, i took a break from packing to stroll down memory lane to revisit some of that stuff. i'm beginning to think i should have left it in its own time and place.
i realized that i never dated in high school. this was evident by the two empty pages in my senior memory book that were reserved to write about old boyfriends. then, i flipped over to the prom page. this action initiated the memory that i didn't have a boyfriend, so i didn't go to prom. however, i made up some lame excuse about the event being too commercialized and me being an individual by not going. later i was reading an old journal and noticed that when i finally did start dating in college, none of the guys ever really liked me. i think most of them went out with me out of pity.
it's amazing how time gives you persepective on these things. but maybe i'm just destined to lose. now, i'm married to a man who has a job that requires constant travel, so i'm still flying solo ... at least 50% of the time.
then i started thinking about what my sister said yesterday at my graduation celebration. she said, i hope my kids get brains like melyssa. earlier on saturday, my aunt had mentioned something about me picking up some weight. (basically, i'm the sister with the brains, not the beauty.)
so, the point of this ramble is i'm not feeling too terribly good about myself. actually, i'm feeling pretty down. and yes, i'm feeling like a loser. maybe that's why i've been able to excel at school because i suck at the social aspect of my life. i wonder why this is bothering me so much. at 27, i should be secure in who i am, shouldn't i?
i realized that i never dated in high school. this was evident by the two empty pages in my senior memory book that were reserved to write about old boyfriends. then, i flipped over to the prom page. this action initiated the memory that i didn't have a boyfriend, so i didn't go to prom. however, i made up some lame excuse about the event being too commercialized and me being an individual by not going. later i was reading an old journal and noticed that when i finally did start dating in college, none of the guys ever really liked me. i think most of them went out with me out of pity.
it's amazing how time gives you persepective on these things. but maybe i'm just destined to lose. now, i'm married to a man who has a job that requires constant travel, so i'm still flying solo ... at least 50% of the time.
then i started thinking about what my sister said yesterday at my graduation celebration. she said, i hope my kids get brains like melyssa. earlier on saturday, my aunt had mentioned something about me picking up some weight. (basically, i'm the sister with the brains, not the beauty.)
so, the point of this ramble is i'm not feeling too terribly good about myself. actually, i'm feeling pretty down. and yes, i'm feeling like a loser. maybe that's why i've been able to excel at school because i suck at the social aspect of my life. i wonder why this is bothering me so much. at 27, i should be secure in who i am, shouldn't i?
6 lovely comments:
mrcrazyone said...
We all get in a funk every now and then. I do not think we are ever totally secure in who we are. I know I am not at the age of thirty. I am though secure in He who is in me. When I get in a funk I just get a piece of paper and list my blessings and then focus on them and thank the Lord. Just think in this entry you talked about moving into a new house, getting your masters, and your husband. Hope you feel better soon. *HUGS*
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
melyssa said...
thank you for that reality check, jluv. and thank you for the scripture.
Nerd Girl said...
Be encouraged. I think that sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our perceived shortcomings, that we don't celebrate who we are. I think (for some)it is a life-long struggle to accept yourself for who you are. But oh, the joy, the freedom that must occur when you do! We are made in His image.
Now, put that book up, don't look at it again for a really long time, and celebrate the wonderful you that you are.
mrcrazyone said...
If you have picked up a few newlywed pounds try sparkpeople.com. It is free and works great without nearly starving yourself. I have lost 35 pounds so far using it!!!
princessdominique said...
I was the same way. I think popularity in school is overrated and it takes the focus off of education. It's lonely yes but when you see the popular folks 10 years from now, they won't look very popular.
melyssa said...
thank you all for your thoughts.
nerdgirl - i packed that box and sealed it tight. it's going in the attic once we get moved.
jluv - i did pick up a few within the first year with all of the stress. i've been doing step aerobics and cardio. i'll have to take a look at the site you recommended. it certainly can't hurt!
princess - thanks for the perspective. time does make a difference and hopefully it will heal old wounds.
thanks again!