isn't she lovely?

image credit: imagerymajestic

i've lamented before about my dating life, or lack thereof. and as i approach full adulthood, i'm beginning to discover things about my identity of self, self-esteem, and social confidence that explain why my dating life has not been as robust as some of my peers.

as a pre-teen, showing interest in the opposite sex was frowned upon. i remembering overhearing conversations between my mother and her friends about girls who were "too fast" or "too grown" or who "got in trouble" because they started dating too early. i also recall being embarrassed if i showed any interest in boys, so i suppressed those feelings because i didn't want my mom to think i was "too fast" or "too grown," and i definitely didn't want to "get in trouble"!

before my first serious relationship, i recall my mother labeling my demeanor as "unapproachable" as the reason for my lack of suitors. today, i wonder what did that mean? what is unapproachable, and why would my mother, of all people, think was that? sadly, i only remember one time in my adult life that my mother ever told me i was beautiful. it's been about 10 years since she said that, and i don't have hopes for hearing it in the future.

don't get me wrong, my mother is not a bad person. i just don't think she's encouraged me socially, and i've accepted some of these things as my identity. and her words and actions may have contributed to my social immaturity. contrarily, my mother has always boasted about my education, intelligence, and career, which is part of the reason i've excelled in those areas.

something else i've learned (and re-learned) is that i am in control of me. i cannot control what others do and say (or don't do/say). so, i must take what i've discovered and transform myself. i am responsible for my own happiness. i am in control of who i am. having said that, i know there are daddy's girls (of which i am one) and mama's boys. but really children, minors and adult children, need encouragement and support from both parents. your children gave you part of your identity - as a parent, so, go tell your your sons and daughters they're wonderful today!

i think john mayer said it better than i can:

so fathers, be good to your daughters
daughters will love like you do
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers, be good to your daughters too

image credit: forbes.com

2015 has gotten off to a stellar start. i am thankful for these good things that have happened so far. 


1. a little bump in pay at work and other financial blessings
2. a unique opportunity to develop more meaningful relationships/friendships
3. a family outing to see the globetrotters and celebrating my cousin's 40th birthday

and, of course, the daily covering. i am so thankful to Him, from whom all blessings flow! 

when i was little, 14 was my favorite number. i don't know why. there's really no significance to it. my birthday is on the 7th. my 14th year of life wasn't stand out. i just have always liked the number. as i approached this year, 2014, i really didn't have outrageous expectations - health and happiness, i guess. but i guess in the back of my mind, i hoped it would be a stellar year since it was 20-fourteen.

i've always enjoyed music. as i approached my 30s, i really expanded my tastes. this year, i discovered spotify, and some songs bookmarked this year.

image credit: wikipedia.org

problem (ariana grande) - at the beginning of the year, i decided it was ok for a person of my age to like the disney star. my 8-year old niece likes her too. i don't know if it's because they share the same name or her music is that good. but this song really spoke to me as i officially got over a toxic 2013 relationship. yes, i had about four less problems as a result. and it was already getting better.

image credit: paramore.net

ain't it fun (paramore) - this song reminds me of road-trippin' with my sis. we took a family vacay to south texas, and this became our theme song that memorial day weekend... and every time we got in the car together thereafter ...

image credit: ingridmichaelson.com

girls chase boys (ingrid michaelson) - on that same road trip, we stopped at a boardwalk carnival. while there my mom briefly lost then found her phone. we road some rides and ate some treats. during those very happy moments ingrid's song was blasting over the loud speakers, we were all so happy. the found phone, the fun trip, just great family time. the calm before the storm.







then, for a few months, it got quiet for me. my aunt died. my grandmothers became ill. and people who i thought were my closest friends (and family members too) failed to show up when they were needed. it was a dark and disappointing time. while the music continued for others, it was eerily quiet for me.

i found the music again later in the year, and an old song was made new again.

image credit: jasonmraz.com

lucky (spotify session version by jason mraz and raining jane) - the grandmas got well. the intense mourning for my aunt lessened, and things seemed to be getting better. i got a professional boost by attending a conference in austin. we celebrated halloween. it was a fun time. i felt ... lucky.

then in november, our beloved family pet of 18.5 years, sande, died. she lived a long, full life. but it still hurt, in some ways more than the loss of my aunt. not surprisingly, the silence resumed. but, i pushed through thanksgiving.

in december, i decided to choose happiness and to uncover joy. i made a decision to focus on the positive. as such, at the beginning of 2015, i will use this blog to publish messages of joy, hope and love. because i decided i'm going to be ok like chrisette michele said, "i'mma drive my lexus to the mall; get a little black dress just because" and then i'm going to put my little black dress on (sara bareilles), and "put on my favorite song, tell myself there's nothing wrong. this does not have to be a sad song." and it's not a sad song. i'm going to be happy because i believe i can choose happiness. this doesn't mean there are no dark days. it means that i realize there must be dark to recognize light. the show must go on. and that's just what happens. life goes on. and so will i.

so, here's to 2015! i'm hopeful that it will bring more smiles and laughter than tears and jeers. and maybe 15 will be my new favorite number. or maybe numbers won't matter anymore. life is really about the quality not the quanity. and please, please don't stop the music!

Image Credit: Ambro

years ago i was given this gem of insight. time after time, people will disappoint you. ironically, it was given by the person who dealt the ultimate disappointment in my life, but it was good insight nonetheless.

people will disappoint.

they won't show up.

they will lie (blatantly and by omission).

they will pretend.

and it can be overwhelming for all parties involved. people will disappoint. this i have learned all too well (especially as of late), but i keep pushing forward. why?

because not all disappointments come for a place of ill-intent. many times those who love us don't want to disappoint, but it happens just the same. and i've learned i must forgive those who have trespassed against me just as i pray that God forgives me for my trespasses. and i know that He is one who will never disappoint.

there is hope in the journey.

"george bush doesn't care about black people." 

last night as i watched the largely unsurprising grand jury verdict unfold and as i listened to the smug allegations and rationale made by the ferguson prosecutor, i was saddened. then, like a lot of people, i logged on to various social media accounts, and i was even more saddened. many people were encouraging others to get registered to vote to help affect change. and by and large, the overwhelming response was that voting is pointless.

i refuse to believe this. change does happen in this country. we are far from where we need to be, but we are not where we used to be. and that is because of many before us who constructively protested, worked with others to push for changes, and ... voted. frankly, we cannot win by doing what the media portrays. the looting, the breaking of windows, the fighting - that will get us nowhere. we've got to learn "their" game, get in it, and play it to our advantage.

that includes voting.

that includes communicating with our dollar.

that includes writing to local politicians.

sadly, that means we have to tell our children that, today, their lives mean less.

that means we have to prepare ourselves and our children for the very real possibility that when we leave our homes, we may be slaughtered.

but i do believe we can change the climate by playing the game and beating "them" at it.

"george bush doesn't care about black people." we all remember who said that little phrase. the reality of the matter is black people don't care about black people. we know better. we have more tools now. we must do better. because waiting for "them" to do better on "their" own is not living our lives to the fullest, which is what we are called to do.

stop hurting your own community. be different.



image credit: zirconicusso

 it's an ugly word with an ugly past, and it's been the topic of many social and political debates for decades. dick gregory wrote a book about it. richard pryor vowed to stop using it after a trip to africa. chris rock tried to define it by applying it to people who exhibit a certain type of behavior. and a couple of years ago, the word was (in theory) put to rest, buried by the naacp.

nigger.

the media attempts to soften it by saying "the n-word." but if we are honest with ourselves, we're talking about the racial epithet often applied to african americans, always in a negative manner.

nigger.

in the past couple of weeks, we've seen this word rear its ugly head in the mainstream media. first the k-mart commerical parody about knickers. and now, paula deen has admitted to using the word. to be frank, well i'll be melyssa, but seriously - are we really surprised that an old woman from the south has used nigger in the past?

frankly, i think african americans and society as a whole, are blowing this a bit out of proportion. i noticed that many of my facebook friends shared the k-mart commercial on their respective walls and found it funny and hilarious. but the recent news about paula deen has resulted in very negative emotions. she's been lambasted in the media, particularly by african americans.

in my opinion, the word nigger is deplorable. i do not use it in my daily vernacular. but i also believe that as an (african american) community and as a (general) society - until we all stop using it - in music, on movies, during general conversation, etc., it's a bit unfair to harshly judge someone who is being honest about having used the word in the past.

there's no need to facilitate a publicity stunt with a burial of the word. i think we should all just agree to say no to words whose meaning is only meant to be derogatory.

so, i ask you - have you used the word nigger (or possibly another derogatory term to describe a group of people)? do you think the word should be banned? will we see a day when nigger is not used at all? or do you think this is part of america's history and destined to be part of its future?

last tuesday, i celebrated my birthday. one of the greatest gifts i received was the news of those three young ladies in cleveland being found alive. for 10 years, they were hidden in plain sight and no one noticed. that saddened me.

as with most years, 2012 brought some ups and downs, smiles and frowns and most importantly lessons learned. this is my synopsis.

1. some friends are in my life for a season, but some friends were never my friends to begin with. friends are supposed to see who you are and love you anyway. for years i had a person in my life who pretended to accept me for who i am then bad mouth me behind my back. it is sad, but i embrace the experience as a life lesson learned.
(lesson: people can be mean.)

2. 80% of success is showing up. and sometimes showing up requires a little perseverance. in 2011 and for a great part of 2012, i spent a considerable amount of time working on my professional certification. after much blood, sweat and tears, i more than earned it. because of that hard work, i earned a very high accolade within my field. it was a monumental accomplishment that was very well deserved and i'm most thankful.
(lesson: never give up on your dreams. God rewards you doubly for your efforts.)

3. sometimes home is where the heart is. in the fall, i got extremely excited about the possibility of heading east. i thought this move would help my career, familial relationships and my stagnant love life. then God showed me that i was to stay put and that some things are better the second time around.
(lesson: sometimes love lost isn't really lost at all.)

so, i guess this year i learned that some people are mean, i have to continually work hard and love can be difficult to find. however, i also learned that some people are wonderfully supportive and consistently genuine, working hard allows me to play hard and love can be right under your nose if you just open your eyes and your heart. i'm truly blessed, wonderfully made and looking forward to 2013. it's sure to be the best one yet!

image credit: frameangel

Image credit: David Castillo Dominici

when i get down, i take some st. john's wort and watch old re-runs of the "golden girls" sitcom. hey, what can i say, the sjw mellows me out and the show makes me smile. although "golden girls" is no longer in production, it has a lot of relevance today.

i was watching it the other day and dorothy (bea arthur) gave blanche (rue mcclanahan) some advice when she was feeling down about her age and growing older. dorothy said, "hey, you've got your health, a few bucks in the bank and friends who love you, i'm not going to sit around watching you feel sorry for yourself."

(can god speak to us through old 80s sitcoms?)

the character's comments made me think about myself. during the course of one's life, it's easy to get down about where you are in life. comparison is the thief of joy, especially when evaluating your life's progress against peers.

but i have to take dorothy's advice too. i'm healthy, i've got a few bucks in the bank and a myriad of friends and family who truly love me. i can't feel sorry for myself. i can only be thankful for the many blessings bestowed upon me.

(whodda thunk it? two actresses speaking to me from beyond the grave. i hope they are smiling.)

so, during this season of thanksgiving, i do not choose self-pity. i choose to be thankful - thankful for each new day that brings new opportunities, thankful for genuine friends and family, thankful for the joy of the lord that strengthens me. and thankful to be blessed beyond measure.

may you and your loved ones enjoy a warm and wonderful thanksgiving holiday tomorrow! and may you be blessed and thankful all year long.

Image credit: David Castillo Dominici

truth be told, i am a daddy's girl, and in a society where there are millions of absent fathers, i am proud and thankful to be a daddy's girl. my dad has been there from day 1. he has been a great, comprehensive provider. as i have grown and matured i am able to turn to him for advice in my career, finances, and sometimes, even ask for advice in my dysfunctional love life.

realizing all of this and how truly blessed i am to have my father as a mentor and caregiver in my life, i don't know why some men (read: boys) i encounter think they can treat and speak to me any 'ole way. it always amuses me a little, and i proudly boast - you will not speak to me in that tone, manner, etc. because my father doesn't even speak to me that way.

now don't get me wrong. i understand all relationships have a healthy amount of conflict, and i'll never meet anyone who i never argue with (honestly, i'd be a little afraid of meeting someone who agreed with me on everything.). but the conflict has got to be healthy. and condescendingly exhaling and telling me what you're tired of and what you're not going to stand from me is not acceptable. you haven't invested nearly as much time, emotion or money in me as my father has over my 30+ years. and even he doesn't treat me that way.

so, it's really best for you, me and society as a whole that we go our separate ways. it stings a little now. but in a few weeks, you'll simply be somebody i used to know.

Photo courtesy of:  thepathtraveler

i've been single for quite some time now. and while i feel completely whole and validated in my singlehood, i realized the other day that i wouldn't mind having someone to share my innermost thoughts with. i know, i know, that is what God is for. but is it wrong to, at times, long for a life partner? i don't think so.

so, the other day i was driving and listening to one of my favorite albums on my ipod when i heard these words. i mean really heard and received them.

you have to believe like abraham believed when God said to him, "your wife next year, this time, is going to have a child." and then the Lord says these words to abraham, not as a question, but as a statement of fact, "is there anything too hard for God?"

i have had this album for a while, but i finally listened to the words. and i realized. i have not because i ask not (james 4:3). if God can cure illnesses, feed the poor and heal broken relationships; He can certainly find a life partner for me.

in the past i've gotten so caught up in praying for my loved ones and this crazy country i live in that i've forgotten to pray for myself. i've decided to be more focused and diligent in my prayers, not only for a life partner, but in all things. i hope you'll join me - to whomever or whatever you pray - just pray. i'll let you know how it goes for me (and would love to know how it goes for you), but i have no doubt we'll be successful because prayer does work!

Photo by: fotographic1980

i will admit i have never seen the movie, "jerry maguire." to be honest, i am not a movie buff. there are classics that i have never taken the time to watch. i'd just rather curl up with a good book. but i digress.

so, i've never seen the movie, but i have heard the infamous line in context, "you complete me." and i despise it. i don't proclaim to be a relationship expert; although i've had a lot of experience in that arena. my personal belief is that a person should be complete on their own. each person should be whole. if that person chooses to be in a relationship, the partner should supplement, not complement, the other. you shouldn't need certain things from a partner to validate your being.

i'll admit. i used to be this way. i felt that i needed someone to make me happy, to make me laugh, to help make my life great. after some failed relationships and soul searching, i realized i am completely capable of creating my own happiness by finding joy in the lord. i can find laughter in the good and not so good things in life. my life is great. the things i consider failures are just that - things. i am whole; i am woman, hear me roar - the whole bit!

so, if you need someone to complete your circle by making you laugh, being submissive or catering to your every need, maybe you should re-evaluate your life focus. while i wish you the best of luck with that, i tihnk you'd be better advised to make your own life beautiful before engaging in a relationship and placing that responsibility (read: burden) on someone else.

when i was younger, my fingers, arms and legs were long. for those who know me now, i know this is difficult to believe. i was skinny, slender. my mom used to comment, melyssa is going to look like whitney houston when she grows up. well, i grew up, but i don't look anything like whitney. she was beautiful. i filled out and stopped growing up. she became extraordinary; i remain ordinary. our lives vastly different, but us both struggling as professional women in our respective industries.

i don't condone drug use nor do i make excuses for it. but life is hard. and we all find ways, sometimes unhealthy, to cope. the lives our mothers hope for us change. i am sure cissy houston wished for a healthy daughter with a joy-filled life. i know my mom hoped for marital bliss and children for me, but i did not attain that (yet). i look at my friends from high school who have lost loved ones too soon, struggle with weight, careers and life in general. our mothers (and fathers) probably hoped for different paths.

but we cannot live in the past. we must press forward and use it for a better future. we must make the best of the life we've been given. in every struggle, there are hidden blessings. and my prayer is that all those close to me seek the light because one spark of light cancels the darkness.

be strong, friends. you do have much to live for!

so, in february of this year i ordered some rust colored sheers to put up in my newly decorated living room. they were on back order till may 23rd. but i thought i'd wait it out because 1) i'd already ordered them once i'd learned they were back ordered and 2) they were gonna look really good with my new rust colored accent wall. well, i was all too pissed to learn on may 13, yes may 13 that jc penney isn't going to stock those simple looking sheers anymore. argh! so, now i must start over looking for rust colored sheers and rust colored runners for my wood floors. but, i'll tell you this, you can bet neither product is going to be purchased from jc penney since their customer service skills are obviously lacking. it's really a shame that i am going to have to now put them on my boycott list because they do have some nice looking, inexpensive clothes and purses.

three weeks ago i started taking golf lessons. and, to my surprise, i actually enjoy the sport. and i'm not too shabby. so, i went out and got some clubs and gear.

so, the other day i was at lowe's* trying to find a quick and cheap repair for the anti-siphon valve on my outdoor faucet so i can water my backyard. (if anyone has any tips on this besides replacing the entire unit, i'm all ears.) so, anyway, i'm at lowe's headed to the back where the plumbing section is when this 70ish guy in one of those motorized scooters is staring me down. so, i figure the alzheimer's is setting in and i just smile and say hello. (i mean, i do know about respecting your elders and all. plus, if we're lucky we'll all live long enough to be old one day.) but i digress. so, as i say hello he says, "you are pretty." i say, "excuse me." "he says you are pretty." i smile and continue walking and he says, "come back here, i am serious." i stop, turn around, and say, "mister, you are way too old for this type of behavior." and continue walking.

hey, i get lonely from time-to-time. but i've already had to take care of one old geezer husband. i am not looking to make that mistake again. and i am not some bleach blond stripper from** texas either!

*i refuse to shop at home depot because their customer service is deplorable. they installed my hardwood floors and carpet, but that is the last of my money they get. i'll save the rest for another post/rant.

**thanks ms. correct it.

i'm tired. i'm so tired of trying to make my place in corporate america. i work at corporate headquarters in the marketing communications for a medium-sized company. i coordinate development and distribution of our collateral materials to the field. on the back of every collateral piece we list all (40+) branch locations and their phone numbers. this sounds pretty simple and logical, right? well, the branches are constantly moving and forgetting to tell marketing. inevitably, we distribute a piece with a wrong phone number. so, in the latest batch two phone numbers were wrong. the branches screamed to the corporate product department vp, the vp screamed at me, and i submitted the new information to our graphic designer to change the template for the next go round. so, the graphic designer must point out to me that one of the phone numbers did not change. ok, well then don't change it, it's obviously right. but no, we must point out this error. the vp must point out the error to me and the graphic designer must point out the error in the error. seriously! an entire morning of electronic communication over this. people are dying in iraq! i don't have the patience to deal this morning. i really don't.

moral of the story: white men can't jump, but they can correct!