isn't she lovely?

yesterday i got pulled over by a grand prairie police officer ... and it was largely uneventful.

with the current state of police relations, we often see the varying extremes of interactions with the police. -- those very damaging exchanges where some unarmed person ends up dead or the really heartwarming experiences that make us smile and maybe even laugh. those make the news because they are ... well, newsworthy.

i don't get pulled over often. and before yesterday, my last experience with a dfw-area police officer in 2012 wasn't the most pleasant. (as a side note, i just re-read this post and realized i got pulled over about three years ago for the same thing sandra bland was killed for in 2015. re-reading that was more than sobering.)

except from 3/21/12:

about two weeks ago i was stopped in irving because i looked suspicious driving the lexus i own and drive daily in dfw. the police officer pulled me over for allegedly not signaling as i changed lanes (i am pretty sure i did, but even if i didn't, no one gives tickets for that in dfw). once stopped he proceeded to question me about where i was going (home), who i was following (no one) and if my name was really melyssa (yes, that is my legal name on my birth certificate and everything). once i showed him my credentials he let me go with a simple, "drive safe!"

fast-forward to 2017. my niece and i were driving home from dallas. i had helped out at her school field trip at the perot museum. yes, me, the PANK, with a group of 9 and 10 year old girls. do i really have to tell you how tired i was?

so, i'm cruising down i-20, and i guess i was cruising a little too fast. the gppd pulled me over for going about 10 miles over the speed limit. i really felt like i was going with the flow of traffic, but again, i was exhausted, so i probably wasn't at peak awareness. as he pulled me over, he communicated with me through the passenger window so as to keep himself out of harm's way. i already had my credentials out when he approached. he asked me where i was going, and i told him, "i'm headed home. i have my niece in the back (pointing to her as she waves from the back seat) and we are heading home from her school field trip at the perot museum." he explains why he has pulled me over. i reply, "ok. i felt like i was going with the flow of traffic. but ok."

he goes back to his car and returns after a few minutes. and he says, "can you roll down the passenger window?" to which i just kinda gave him this look like, "why?" and then he said, "is it ok if i give your niece a sticker?" and i said, "oh! sure, of course." so, he gave her the sticker and he gave me a warning. and all was right with the world. not because i didn't get a ticket (if you read my 2012 post, i didn't get a ticket then either). all was right with the world because we communicated with MUTUAL respect. even if i had received a ticket yesterday, that would have been a fair experience.

for me, both events will remain etched in my memory for years to come (partly because i've memorialized them on this blog.) and this is because your actions and your words matter. but what's even better is my 10-year old niece witnessed a positive exchange, which will shape her experiences as she gets older.

so, yesterday was no big deal. it's probably not even worth a blog post, but i wanted to share because as with most things in life we tend to accentuate the very positive or the very negative and the everyday run-of-the-mills things often get overlooked.

yesterday was a good, uneventful day.

image credit: forbes.com

"george bush doesn't care about black people." 

last night as i watched the largely unsurprising grand jury verdict unfold and as i listened to the smug allegations and rationale made by the ferguson prosecutor, i was saddened. then, like a lot of people, i logged on to various social media accounts, and i was even more saddened. many people were encouraging others to get registered to vote to help affect change. and by and large, the overwhelming response was that voting is pointless.

i refuse to believe this. change does happen in this country. we are far from where we need to be, but we are not where we used to be. and that is because of many before us who constructively protested, worked with others to push for changes, and ... voted. frankly, we cannot win by doing what the media portrays. the looting, the breaking of windows, the fighting - that will get us nowhere. we've got to learn "their" game, get in it, and play it to our advantage.

that includes voting.

that includes communicating with our dollar.

that includes writing to local politicians.

sadly, that means we have to tell our children that, today, their lives mean less.

that means we have to prepare ourselves and our children for the very real possibility that when we leave our homes, we may be slaughtered.

but i do believe we can change the climate by playing the game and beating "them" at it.

"george bush doesn't care about black people." we all remember who said that little phrase. the reality of the matter is black people don't care about black people. we know better. we have more tools now. we must do better. because waiting for "them" to do better on "their" own is not living our lives to the fullest, which is what we are called to do.

stop hurting your own community. be different.

my head - about 6 inches from cheek to cheek.

my chest - about 16 inches from shoulder to shoulder.

as a reflect on this horrible, avoidable michael brown killing in ferguson, missouri, i am saddened. i am frustrated. i am angry. i am pissed. and i have questions.

why was he shot 6 times? what was he shot twice in the head when the chest/arms are easier, more survivable targets? why was he shot at all? as my brother-in-law so eloquently put it - there's more than one tool on a police belt. why go for the gun? i understand some are arguing that he was a criminal - stealing a ~$50 box of cigars. but did that really warrant his death?

here are some more numbers related to me. i have 7 uncles and aunts on my mom's side of the family. those relatives had 14 children; 6 of whom are male - black males. most of whom i consider brothers more so than cousins. so, this story is personal to me.

of those 6 black males; 2 served this country. 1 works for the government. and the other 3 are gainfully-employed, upstanding citizens. it's terrifying to think what could happen to one of them because they look a certain way to a certain type of person. they have been harassed but by the grace of god, they have not been slaughtered, and i pray every day for their protection.

another (illogical) argument, the black community should not be enraged about the michael brown shooting because there's more black-on-black crime daily. perhaps the statistics support that, but it does nothing to alleviate the rage. frankly, the black community should not be the only community upset about this.

"injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -dr. martin luther king

so, now is the time for everyone to be angry, to be upset, to be pissed. but channel that anger into something positive. register to vote, so jury selection can be more psychologically and demographically diverse. mentor youth in your neighborhood. talk to your children about how to be safe - even from the people who are paid to keep us safe. set a good example and beat the stereotype. every life is precious and valuable. the same anger we had when natalie holloway was murdered and robbed of her chance to go to college should be the exact same anger we have for the michael brown situation. cause you know, he, too, was on his way to college.

you know that feeling when you leave the movie theater in the middle of a sunny afternoon? your eyes are oversensitive to the bright light after spending a couple of hours in the dark, cozy theater.

image credit: nattavut

that's kind of how i felt when i was first exposed to prejudice and racism. for the first 14 years of my life i was an army brat. home was where the army sent us - my parents, sister and i made friends wherever home was. race didn't seem to be a primary issue because everyone was green. that's not to say that race was obsolete. (in fact, in the army-issued dictionary my dad had, the entry for nigger defined a black person of african descent.) however, race was not as big of a deal because we were all just people being moved around so our dads (and/or moms) could serve a country that not always viewed people as equals.

fast-forward to about the time i was 16 or 17 and driving my first car. i was in the parking lot of a shopping center in arlington, texas and no doubt made a typical driving error for a new driver. i didn't hit anyone or any property. but i had to quickly adjust for the mistake i made which, understandably, irritated the older, white man in a nearby pick-up truck. before i could even attempt to apologize he rolled down his window and informed me that i was a nigger bitch who needed to learn how to drive.

and that was my introduction to racism.

about that same time, my kid sister was in the fourth or fifth grade. she was having a little difficulty making new friends in the "civilian world." one of her classmates told her she'd have better luck - if she were only the right color. and that was her introduction.

sigh. welcome to the real world. the sun is blinding.

so, my exposure was delayed. but when i finally met racism and prejudice, i kind of got over exposed because i'd been in the dark for so long. i'm thankful for my time as a naive child. but now that i know what the real world is really like, i hope to be part of the change i seek. and this is why i share stories about race - those of others and those that are personal. because knowledge and perspective is power. if we can just put ourselves in the other person's shoes, the world might, indeed, be a better place for us all to live.

be empathetic,
melyssa
the girl with the sunglasses and still standing in the light



image credit: zirconicusso

 it's an ugly word with an ugly past, and it's been the topic of many social and political debates for decades. dick gregory wrote a book about it. richard pryor vowed to stop using it after a trip to africa. chris rock tried to define it by applying it to people who exhibit a certain type of behavior. and a couple of years ago, the word was (in theory) put to rest, buried by the naacp.

nigger.

the media attempts to soften it by saying "the n-word." but if we are honest with ourselves, we're talking about the racial epithet often applied to african americans, always in a negative manner.

nigger.

in the past couple of weeks, we've seen this word rear its ugly head in the mainstream media. first the k-mart commerical parody about knickers. and now, paula deen has admitted to using the word. to be frank, well i'll be melyssa, but seriously - are we really surprised that an old woman from the south has used nigger in the past?

frankly, i think african americans and society as a whole, are blowing this a bit out of proportion. i noticed that many of my facebook friends shared the k-mart commercial on their respective walls and found it funny and hilarious. but the recent news about paula deen has resulted in very negative emotions. she's been lambasted in the media, particularly by african americans.

in my opinion, the word nigger is deplorable. i do not use it in my daily vernacular. but i also believe that as an (african american) community and as a (general) society - until we all stop using it - in music, on movies, during general conversation, etc., it's a bit unfair to harshly judge someone who is being honest about having used the word in the past.

there's no need to facilitate a publicity stunt with a burial of the word. i think we should all just agree to say no to words whose meaning is only meant to be derogatory.

so, i ask you - have you used the word nigger (or possibly another derogatory term to describe a group of people)? do you think the word should be banned? will we see a day when nigger is not used at all? or do you think this is part of america's history and destined to be part of its future?

Image: Victor Habbick

i grew up as a military brat. (which, just as a side note, is such an unfair title. children of parents who serve get shuffled from one place to the next, having to make new friends and continually re-adjust. we usually have to live for several months at a time without the parent who is serving. and many of us still become well-adjusted adults. so, we're not really brats at all. we're quite well rounded and versatile. but i digress.) i moved around every two to three years. i have probably attended nearly 15 schools as a result.

however, when i started high school, my dad retired and our family settled in the dallas/fort worth area. my younger sister was in fourth grade. i remember her coming home from school one day and telling my parents that a clique of caucasian girls told her she "would be cool if she was only the right color. how old are you in fourth grade? 10 at the most. it was sad. any form of racism is sad. and sadly, many children learn it at home then bring it to school, where the disease festers.

(subsequently, when i started to drive and made a rookie driving mistake, a red neck leaned out of his truck window and called me nigger. i think he had a gun rack in the back, but i might be dramatizing a bit. it was the first time the word had been spewed at me.)

fast forward to 2012. the more things change; the more they stay the same. i was spending some time with my five year old niece (yes, five) and she began to tell me about her day at pre-school. she mentioned that one of the boys at school is not very nice. then a few moments later she asks me, "melyssa, what does mexican mean anyway?" after posing some careful questions, i realized that her classmate had been calling people out based on color. because my niece's birthday falls in november, she is older than most of her classmates. most of the other children are four. it's sad to think this is what they are talking about at four and five years old.

so, anyway, i explained to her that people who are from mexico are called mexicans. i explained further, "your heritage is from africa and their heritage is from mexico." and she just looked at me with those innocent brown eyes and said, "well, i thought i was from texas?" to which i replied, "you are."

and you know, that should be enough. it should be enough at 55, 35 and most certainly at five in pre-k.

Image credit: Vlado

i was all set to write a post about earning my abc (accredited business communicator), but then the story of 17-year old trayvon martin became a leading story in the news and in my life. i began to ponder, what does all the hard work matter if we can be chased down and killed and no one has to answer for it? i immediately became engrossed.

let me back up.

about two weeks ago i was stopped in irving because i looked suspicious driving the lexus i own and drive daily in dfw. the police officer pulled me over for allegedly not signaling as i changed lanes (i am pretty sure i did, but even if i didn't, no one gives tickets for that in dfw). once stopped he proceeded to question me about where i was going (home), who i was following (no one) and if my name was really melyssa (yes, that is my legal name on my birth certificate and everything). once i showed him my credentials he let me go with a simple, "drive safe!"

then the story of poor trayvon martin. while many are debating whether it's a black story, white story or something different. to me it's personal, and it's a story i know all too well. driving while black. shopping while black. living in a "good" neighborhood while black. walking while black. it's a story we, as a society, shouldn't be telling in 2012. i'm angry and i'm tired. i'm tired of black people being accosted just because someone else thinks we are driving a car we shouldn't; shopping in a store that we couldn't possibly afford or traveling in a neighborhood where we don't belong. we need new stories. we are here - to stay. we are not going back to africa. so, let's just stop with the stereotypes, prejudices and racism and really, let's just all get along, already!

several years ago, when my male cousin was in high school he was stopped with a group of black friends while walking in the neighborhood where my aunt and uncle, at that time had, owned their home for more than five years. this male cousin is the child of two parents who have both earned doctorate degrees. his brother served in the military that protects the freedoms we all should enjoy daily. today, my cousin lives in washington d.c. he works for the federal government and travels all around the world. he has been granted a master's degree and earned a bachelor's degree. he's an upstanding citizen - always has been. he didn't look suspicious in high school. he looked black.

enough is enough. apparently, no matter how many strides a group of people make as a collective, they will still be judged by the worst in the group. but it happens far too often in the black community. tomorrow trayvon's parents are going to wake up without their son. and the next day and the day after that. we must not go gentle into the good night. we must stand up for justice. we must stand up for what is right. we must do it now because injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

we have miles to go before we sleep.

join the cause: #justicefortrayvonmartin

the past few days have not proved to be good pr for a few black men in the spotlight.

herman cain
i am not sure if he actually did what all has been alleged, but i do think where there's smoke there's fire. i know he's not in the same political party, but he should have learned from jesse jackson. you have got to keep your nose clean if you're going to join the political race. it's a dirty one! and most african americans know we have to pay the black tax*. i'm not a member of any political party. i typically vote on the issues. however, i am an obama supporter. but it sure would have been historical to have two black men running against each other. oh well. such is life.

bishop eddie long
anyone who knows me knows i completely despise people who hurt children, the elderly or animals. the fact that long settled with these accusers speaks volumes to me. and now, it appears as though his wife is leaving him. this saddens me so. the breakdown of a family and the recent allegations of abuse against children in the recent weeks. what is the world coming to, really?

it looks like for the time being these guys are being judged by the "color of their skin and the content of their character."

*the black tax is commonly referred to in the african american community as having to do twice as much to reap half the benefits when compared to our caucasian counterparts.

according to cnn.com duke ellington beat out abolitionist frederick douglass and astronomer benjamin banneker for the new quarter distributed by the u.s. mint. read story here: http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/24/duke.ellington.coin/index.html

when will african americans be celebrated for more than just entertainment?

from cnn.com

article 1:
riots erupt in oakland after slain father laid to rest: http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/01/08/BART.shooting/index.html

article 2:
racism is still tolerated: http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/01/07/racism.study/index.html

rosa sat so martin could walk...

martin walked so obama could run...

obama is running so our children can fly!

don't be a sap. go vote!

a few months ago another african american woman joined the marketing department at my company. since day one, it has been very difficult for our boss (older white male) to look her in her eyes when he communicates with her or give her any direction as to what he expects of her. so, in the midst of a rant the other day, i think i have finally figured out what the issue is. as time progresses, it has become more difficult for white males to see african american females as their equals, or even competent, in the workplace. i think it has become increasingly difficult for our boss to accept the fact that there are now two highly educated african american women who know what they are doing and could, quite simply, run circles around him. times are changing and we are coming into our own. and as he gets older and looks back, he just can't reconcile the fact that we are who we are. it's a simple case of cognitive dissonance. we're young. we're black. and we're women. we should not know more about our industry than he does. he can't synthesize.

but, he better believe. because we are young. we are black. we are women. and we are the real deal.

ok, i've quietly sat by and refrained from making any comments about the current presidential race, but silence i can no longer keep.

bill clinton - while very charismatic and obviously successful in winning two presidential elections -- he is not america's first black president, and he is not running in 2008. hillary is. i think it is ridiculous that he has taken such a dominant position in her campaign. for someone who is trying to become the first female president, she sure is relying on her husband a lot. as a woman, she should be able to stand on her own two. if she's gonna play with the big boys, she needs to do it independent of her husband's political status.

bob johnson - i support the right for each and every eligible american citizen to vote for their candidate of choice. and no matter how much emphasis the media try to place on race, african americans (the author of this blog in particular) are capable of researching the issues and candidates, then making an educated decision. (and one a sidenote, every eligible african american should be researching and voting, if only to honor those who fought and died for us to have this opportunity). however, for bob johnson to think that bill and hillary are "deeply and emotionally involved in black issues" may be a bit of a stretch from reality. in this america obama is seen as a black man by most. and his experiences as a "black" man are more similar to the the black population at large. bill and hillary can sympathize all campaign, but they can never truly walk in a black person's shoes.

race - the election should be about the issues. i would think after all these years of struggle, we have moved beyond the color of one's skin and onto the content of one's character. but perhaps i'm just another clueless african american woman who must decide to vote based solely on race or gender rather than choosing the best candidate.

we are at an awesome point in history that both a woman and an african american can have a viable chance at becoming america's next president. let's not relegate the presidential race to gender and race. let's focus on the real, pressing issues at hand - and there are many on which to focus.

it's been forever since i posted. i don't have much to say, but i feel i should say something. i am just about to finish teaching for the semester. finals are this week. the full-time job is going ok. everyone is leaving. i feel like i should too, but i need to stay put at the moment. i got all of my christmas decorations up ... finally. i'm really excited about that.

which brings me to a mini rant. the three old ladies in my department were having a whine session last week about not being able to call greeting cards, christmas cards or have a christmas tree image on them because it is offensive to some people. they said that people who don't believe in or celebrate christmas should "go back home." while i do believe that people get easily offended now a days, i do find it humorous that the three old ladies want to send all of "these people" back home. don't they realize that there is a large population of americans (born and raised here) who don't celebrate christmas?

sometimes i wonder if the world will get more tolerant as the old geezers die off or if these ignorant thoughts will be passed on to future generations.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=2972401
NEW YORK Mar 21, 2007 (AP)— A couple can proceed with a lawsuit against a fertility clinic they filed after the wife gave birth to a daughter whose skin they thought was too dark to be their child, a judge has ruled.

the other day i read this story on abcnews.com and just got enraged! this couple, the husband white, the mother hispanic (although the picture that was posted on abcnews.com's homepage at the time showed the mother to be darker than me -- i thought she was black before reading the article) went to a fertility clinic and received sperm from a black man rather than the father.

don't get me wrong. i can understand their frustration and disappointment. after paying the fertility clinic large sums of money, they trusted them to do the right thing. we're all human, but some professions call for perfection (or really close to it).

what fired me up were a couple of direct quotes in the article:
The couple says that they have been forced to raise a child who is "not even the same race, nationality, color … as they are," the judge said in the ruling.

do they realize how many people there are who would just love to be blessed to have a raise a child ... no matter what color? like i said, i can understand the anger, but let's look at the bigger picture here.

the article reports further:
They say that "while we love Baby Jessica as our own, we are reminded of this terrible mistake each and every time we look at her; it is simply impossible to ignore," the judge's decision said.

so, they see their daughter as a mistake. are they forgetting that while her father may not be her biological father, her mother is? plus, there are so many men in the world who step up and serve as father or male role models for children who are not biologically their own. again, i understand this is not what they bargained for when they forked over the dough. but this is what they think about a child that the wife bore for nine months.

perhaps, someone from above was trying to tell this couple something when they couldn't have children on their own. if this is truly their mindset, maybe they don't need to be raising and influencing a child. this poor baby is going to grow up in a home where her parents don't even love her unconditionally, and then she'll be forced to go out into a world that is much more cruel than that.

i'm not bashing fertility clinics. i am bashing this pathetic excuse for parents. sometimes i do think people should have to pass a test before raising a child.

argh!

a good read
i read mitch albom's, for one more day, in one day. it was absolutely wonderful. i would definitely recommend it as a feel-good read if anyone is looking for a quick read this holiday season.

at work
a few weeks ago one of the vice presidents at work was hiring a new person for his department. this vice president and his staff sit in the same area as i do. another coworker and i were talking to vp when he mentioned he was hiring someone new, and the conversation went a little like this.

vp: i'm hiring a new person. her name is erica taylor.
me: oh great.
cw: that is great news. so, tell us about her.
vp: she's currently employed in another town and has been working for a large company in the same capacity that she would be working here.
cw: uh huh
me:
vp: she's from another state and has decided to move here.
cw: great.
me: yeah, that's great vp.
vp: yeah, i really think you'll like her, melyssa.

now fast forward to 6 p.m. at the dinner table.

goregous: how was work?
me: pretty good. vp is finally getting some more help. she's a black girl.
gorgeous: how do you know this?

and then i share the whole story. this one line "i really think you'll like her, melyssa." was what gave it way. so it was no surprise when about a week and a half later a young lady who could not be mistaken for any other ethnicity joined our little area. is vp racist? no. is vp prejudiced? no. he's just stereotyping. now my post-thesis brain is thinking of a way that i could turn that into a study/experiment!

in the news
so, this michael rogers (or whatever his name is). i'm talking about kramer from seinfeld and his recent foul-mouthed tirade. i don't know if it's really necessary to sue him. but i do believe he's prejudiced and his true colors were exhibited last friday. it just amazes me that people will do and say stuff like this in 2006. especially with cameras, internet, cell phones, blue tooth, etc. technology allows for news and/or rumors to travel at about the same speed as light. so, why oh why do people act like this when they know at some point they are going to have to apologize. it may not be today, tomorrow, or the next day but it's going to bite them in the rear sooner or later. i just don't get it.

i could also comment on the oj simpson thing, but i've already spent too much time on it. stupid, stupid, stupid.

on thanksgiving
i won't eat much because i'll be too busy chatting away. everyone have a wonderful holiday and don't forget it's about being thankful and being free. so, please remember to say thanks to whomever or whatever you worship and send a little prayer or thought up for our troops at home and abroad who serve, often giving the ultimate sacrifice.