isn't she lovely?

image credit: imagerymajestic

i've lamented before about my dating life, or lack thereof. and as i approach full adulthood, i'm beginning to discover things about my identity of self, self-esteem, and social confidence that explain why my dating life has not been as robust as some of my peers.

as a pre-teen, showing interest in the opposite sex was frowned upon. i remembering overhearing conversations between my mother and her friends about girls who were "too fast" or "too grown" or who "got in trouble" because they started dating too early. i also recall being embarrassed if i showed any interest in boys, so i suppressed those feelings because i didn't want my mom to think i was "too fast" or "too grown," and i definitely didn't want to "get in trouble"!

before my first serious relationship, i recall my mother labeling my demeanor as "unapproachable" as the reason for my lack of suitors. today, i wonder what did that mean? what is unapproachable, and why would my mother, of all people, think was that? sadly, i only remember one time in my adult life that my mother ever told me i was beautiful. it's been about 10 years since she said that, and i don't have hopes for hearing it in the future.

don't get me wrong, my mother is not a bad person. i just don't think she's encouraged me socially, and i've accepted some of these things as my identity. and her words and actions may have contributed to my social immaturity. contrarily, my mother has always boasted about my education, intelligence, and career, which is part of the reason i've excelled in those areas.

something else i've learned (and re-learned) is that i am in control of me. i cannot control what others do and say (or don't do/say). so, i must take what i've discovered and transform myself. i am responsible for my own happiness. i am in control of who i am. having said that, i know there are daddy's girls (of which i am one) and mama's boys. but really children, minors and adult children, need encouragement and support from both parents. your children gave you part of your identity - as a parent, so, go tell your your sons and daughters they're wonderful today!

i think john mayer said it better than i can:

so fathers, be good to your daughters
daughters will love like you do
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers, be good to your daughters too